


Fall into madness

by Ezariel



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Lance (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), I'm so sorry to do this to this sweet heart, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Langst, M/M, Older Characters, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Top Keith (Voltron), mind-break, omg I hate myself, self hurting lance, slow recover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2018-11-02 12:02:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10944087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ezariel/pseuds/Ezariel
Summary: Lance wasn't the real Blue Paladin. How he knew? Someone took his place during a mission.And then, his fall into madness began.But what if Keith was here to help him recover?(I'm sorry it's not a long summary but I don't want to spoil anything ><)





	1. Farewell

**Author's Note:**

> I know.... I didn't finish "Don't look under my dress" but..... I had this in mind for a few days now and I can't stop thinking about it so... I just wrote it...
> 
> Sincerely, this fic is gonna break my own heart but I need to write it, don't ask me why I don't even know myself :")

Lance looked at the sky with a small smile, sitting on the ground, on the strangely bluish grass of the planet on which they just landed. 

   

Lance looked at the sky but especially at the 5 lions flying in harmony, with strength, agility and speed. 

  

Yes, Lance watched as Voltron's team formed his _new paladin_. 

  

His smile faded gently, but he refused to cry, because he had no right to do so. After all he knew that something was _wrong_ , that something _was_ _missing_. His connection with Blue was not as strong as those of the others Paladins with their respective lions so he knew. He knew that Blue had allowed him to be his pilot only because, that day in the cave, he was the only one left. The others were all destined for a lion, _not_ _him_. 

  

But everything changed when they rescued a group of prisoners a few weeks ago. Blue had reacted while he _was_ _n_ _'_ _t_ in control. She had reacted because her _real_ Paladin was in danger. Then, when they had all come back and sheltered, unwillingly and right in front of everyone, Lance forced himself to smile, handing his bayard to the newcomer, welcoming him with the warm smile which characterizes him. He joked that he has done the majority of the job in his absence, that it would be difficult to continue at his level. _But_ _he_ _knew_ _he_ _was_ _wrong_. He had seen him fight. He was faster, more agile, more precise. This man, Cain, was a fighter, a warrior, and, judging from what he saw right now before his eyes, an _excellent pilot_. 

  

Lance felt his eyes burning, his throat tightening, then he got up and went back to the castle. He hardly heard Coran greeting him when he passed by him. The counselor sighed softly, thinking that the ex-Paladin was still in the clouds, as he had been for a few days, and let him go. The pilot immediately wento to his room and dropped to his bed with an arm over his eyes. 

  

This evening he didn't come to eat. 

  

Yet the next day a tray was in front of his door, and Lance smiled and mentally thanked Hunk. He ate quickly and went to the kitchen to thank his friend in person, but the castle was still desperately empty. A sigh escaped him and, for once, the training room seemed a good escape. Then he stayed there for the day, knowing that the others would fly until diner. He stopped only in the evening, and a warm shower allowed him to escape his darkest thoughts. Until the laughter of the Paladins came to cover the sound of the water. Without knowing why he quickly extinguished the water in his shower and took his clothes before hiding in a corner of the room. Lance called himself an idiot and wanted to go out, but one of the laughter stopped him. It wasn't a sound he knew. And the only male laugh he didn't know was Keith's. His heart sank to this observation: despite the months spent together he had never been there, he never succeeded in making him laugh. He squeezed his clothes against him and waited for everyone to be under the showers before leaving as discreetly as possible, running to his room. 

He only went out at dinner, reappearing as if _nothing_ had happened, smiling. And that smile exasperated Keith "Well, at least there's one of us that's not exhausted." Lance bit his lip before recovering and sending him a wink. "I will reserve for the opportune moment." The Red Paladin sighed in exasperation and, against all odds, turned away from him, not even bickering like always. Shiro nodded as he turned away from him and resumed his discussion with Allura. What he didn't know was that these simple gestures ended up _breaking_ the rest of hope that remained in him. 

 

And that evening, for the first time, the ex-Paladin didn't say a word again, returning to his room when everyone have their backs turned. 

  

 _And_ _from_ _there_ _,_ _everything_ _slipped_ _away_ _._  

 

They saw him less and less. In the beginning Lance came with them to meals, to meetings, to attack plans, but he left soon, sometimes before the end. And _no one_ noticed it. Then he was going to train, alone. And ironically he became _better_ day by day. Then he trained even more, thinking he would end up being useful on a mission. 

 

 _But_ _it_ _never_ _happened_ _._  

 

And Lance became only the shadow of himself. He smiled, he joked, but nothing reached his gaze. Hunk and Pidge watched their friend dying inside. So they spent more time with him outside missions, meetings and training sessions, but even at those rare moments he felt alone because despite their efforts the conversations deviated everytime on the missions. So he was silent as he listened. 

The only one with whom he could speak was Coran, because he was much more present in the castle than the others. _And_ _h_ _e_ _knew_ _._ At the very beginning of their adventure, Lance was homesicked and the counselor had been the only one to understand, to see his sadness and to be able to console him. And seeing the boy so desperate began to break his heart. The Cuban was their ray of sunshine, he brought good humor and lightness, but since Blue left him he seemed no longer itself. He tried, Coran had seen it, but it wasn't enough. 

  

 _B_ _ecause_ _they_ _no longer_ _needed_ _him_ _, and Lance_ _knew_ _it_ _._  

  

Then Lance no longer came to meals, to meetings, to times of repose. He didn't bother anybody, even Hunk. The only people he spoke to were the mice and Coran. Allura from time to time. But he no longer saw the Paladins, because they no longer called him or rejoigned him. They were too busy now.  

 

One day, or rather one night, he went to the hangar and rejoined Blue. But no matter how close he get, _she_ _did_ _n_ _'_ _t_ _move_. He climbed on her paw, like before, but still nothing. So he began to speak to her, calling her beauty and perfection. _But no_ _purr_ _replied_. 

  

And for the first time in weeks, in the cold and silence of the sheds, Lance began to cry without making a noise. 

  

 _His_ _place_ _was_ _no longer_ _here_ _._  

  

So that night he made up his mind, went to take few things in his room, taking what he cherished, and joined Allura in the early morning at the command post. 

  

The Princess was surprised to see him so early, but she could not say anything, because the appearance of the old Paladin hurt her so badly. It must have been weeks, months, since he was not well, and she saw it only _now_. What friend was she? He was smiling, but his face was tired and drawn. He was smiling but his eyes didn't. Yet, she forced herself to smile at him in return. 

  

"What can I do for you?" 

  

The Cuban hesitated a moment before looking into her eyes, his smile gone. 

  

"Send me back on Earth, _please_." 

  

Allura looked at him for a moment, thinking of a joke. Then she paid attention to his bag, his posture, she detailed everything. And she read the pain and the distress in his eyes. 

  

Then she nodded. And, before the alarm of the castle rang to wake everyone up, she opened a  wormhole and led the castle to the coordinates given by her friend. 

  

They arrived in a desert, the one where they found Blue, and Lance smiled, recognizing the familiar landscapes. 

  

He turned to Allura and smiled at her, a _real_ smile. He was grateful. He took her in his arms by way of farewell, and did the same with Coran who had just arrived,  awakened as soon as the castle had moved. 

  

He thanked them for everything, for the memories, for the travels and the opportunities to see others planets, for their friendship. He made them promised to come on Earth once their war had been won, then he would welcome them as heroes. And he leaved. He left the castle without making farewells to the others Paladins, they didn't need it, _he_ _was_ _just_ _a replacement_. 

  

Then he walked without turning around, even when he heard the castle go away. 

  

 _And_ _he_ _cried_ _again_ _,_ _just_ _one last time_.


	2. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *heavy breathing* Thank you soooooooooooooooooo much for all the returns that you gave me and that still arrive every day!! I really didn't think that this first chapter would have this much impact I don't know what to say and I don't know where to put myself ..... I can only thank you!!! You are fantastic!! Love you so much!!! <3 <3
> 
> Now, I'm so sorry that this chapter took so long to come ... I couldn't write it, I started again at least 4/5 times to arrive at something that suits and yet I am still not satisfied.... To stick to what I wanted to include in this chapter I had to change my style of writing and I really don't like it... I may rewrite it again ...
> 
> I hope that this will not bother you too much and that this transition chapter will please you a minimum ....

"Lance!" 

At the understanding of his name the young man raised his eyes from his roses and smiled as he saw the redhead advancing towards him. He stood up and kissed her gently on the cheek, making her giggle lightly. "Hello Lily." 

   
She gently caressed his cheek and smiled tenderly. "You are serene today,  I love to see you like that. You have two visitors by the way." 

   
The Cuban seemed surprised but didn't say anything when she went to fetch the new arrivals while he was changing his tools. 

   
The former Paladin looked at his red roses and gently caressed the petals before sitting on the small bench nearby. He looked at the garden stretching as far as the eye could see, and smiled softly. He loved this place. Everything was quiet here. 

   
 

 _He_ _had_ _learned_ _to love_ _this_ _place_. 

   
 

Lance losed his eyes, bathing in the sun, and lost his thoughts when a shadow blocked him the soft warmth that he felt on his skin. He grunted and opened his eyes to intimate the person before him to move but the words immediately get caught in his throat as he felt the tears coming. 

   
".... Hunk ...." 

   
The man grinned at him and took him in his arms without warning. Yet he should have, because his friend was so much thinner than in his memories and he soon felt his bones against his skin. He loosened his hug but he didn't let him go, keeping him firmly against him as he also began to cry. The Cuban smiled softly as he hugged him tears soaked his cheeks. They stayed for a long time like this, enjoying only the warmth of the other. 

   
But they were cut off by a little embarrassed coughing. 

   
 

"Don't forget me...." 

   
 

Lance jumped at the feminine voice and stepped away from his best friend to finally see who was with him. 

   
 

"Pidge!" 

   
 

He threw himself on her and pressed her close to him, taking her by surprise as he began to cry again, his nose buried in the young girl's long hair. She laughed softly and hugged him in return, holding back the tears out of pride. 

   
It took Lance a very long time to calm down and finally get away from her. When he did, he looked at her and smiled softly, wiping the tears from the corners of her eyes. "You have changed so much ..." He slipped his hand through her curly hair and let his eyes glide over her face with a smile "You're very cute like this."   
 

He turned to Hunk "And you too, you changed so much too." He smiled, looking at the man that became his best friend: tall, strong, releasing assurance without having lost his aura of sweetness. He had lost all roundness, but this look of large tender teddy never left his features. 

   
 

Lance finally drew back and led them to the bench so they would all sit down. The young man looked at them, his eyes shining "How was space? And your mission?! You could have given news! I worried so much! I don't even know when you two have been graduated!" 

   
The two engineers looked at each other before Hunk gave him a little smile. "Sorry ... we've been so busy all his years up there ... But we missed you so much, it wasn't the same without you." 

   
The Cuban lightly darkened, a sad smile stretching his lips "...... I could never be a pilot Hunk you know it .... I wasn't good enough for that ... That's why I chose to leave ... I couldn't bear another failure, I couldn't bear that my dream was once again trampled ... " 

   
Pidge bit her lip, trying not to cry "... We know Lance, we don't blame you .. We just missed you." 

 

 

 ** _Days_** ** _ago_**  

 

They were at home, on Earth, and all together. 

    
 

 _Their_ _war_ _was_ _finally_ _over._  

    
 

They had finally returned, after 6 years in space, and unwittingly, when their feet touched the earthy ground, they all began to cry. Hunk fell on his knees, burying his face in his hands, Pidge rushed into the arms of her brother and father, Keith sniffed just a little and Shiro came to take him in his arms as he cried silently, smilling at the same time. 

    
Allura, Coran and Cain could only observe with a small smile and wet eyes, but they were happy for their friends who had found their mother land. 

    
Yet the rejoicings were short, vehicles heavily armed, the Garrison coming for intruders. They had gone through their security devices, how could they not be detected? Especially when seeing the castle. 

    
No one resisted, and they were conducted to the superiors. 

    
And that was the shock. No one expected to see again the missing students, and still less the scientists from the Kerberos mission and some aliens. 

    
They were interrogated, examined, passed countless tests before a single conclusion was made: they were really them and healthy and the aliens with them were not a danger. 

    
They were asked to tell their stories, without omitting anything. All the details were told, all without exception. 

    
 

 _Even the_ _departure_ _of Lance_. 

    
 

And all of them asked a question that burned their tongues from the beginning: had he returned to Garrison? 

    
The answer wasn't what they expected: Lance had presented himself to them on the day of his return, had undergone the same tests as them, he had been reinstated, but he never returned after spending time with his family. 

    
Yet he had his place among them, so _why_? 

    
Everyone asked, but they had no answer and they could not find any. Lance liked to fly whatever he said, so _why_? 

But they didn't have time to think more than that, brought and dragged everywhere so that the news was quickly known to all. And in less time than it took to cross the galaxy, the whole school and even journalists knew about their return. 

Press conferences were organized, many, too many. They were exhausted, washed out, all they wanted was to find Lance. They hoped to see him arrive in the middle of a conference, an interview, a big smile stuck on his face, stretching out his arms for a comforting and loving embrace. 

    
 

 _But_ _he_ _never_ _came._  

    
 

Then an immense reception was held and everyone just admired the Paladins and their friends. They had changed during all those years and it was not to displease women as well as men. 

Allura now had short hair, cut into a square. His body had become even more slender in spite of the musculature present. Everything in her emanated strength and respect. 

Pidge had changed much more. Her hair had recovered its initial length, arriving at the kidneys, she no longer wore her glasses, revealing that her features became much finer and feminine. She had also grown several centimeters and some feminine curves. 

Hunk had slightly shorter hair, but what was the most impressive was that he had acquired a musculature near or equal to the one of Shiro, making him look much more impressive. 

However, the one that had changed most was Keith. He had grown a good fifteen centimeters, easily catching Hunk and even Shiro, and had gained muscles just like Hunk. He was far from being on the same level as his friends, but he was no less remarkable. His hair was now shorts, one side clad behind his ear. 

Coran, Shiro and Cain were the only ones that had not really changed. 

 

Yes, the Voltron Crew was basically composed of good looking. And everyone wanted to make out with one of them. 

 

But right now it wasn't their problem. Their problem was that the event had been world-wide mediated, but that there was still no trace of Lance. 

    
 

 _As if_ _he_ _had_ _disappeared_ _._  

    
 

So they worried more and more. 

    
 

 _Where_ _was_ _he_ _?_  

    
 

Then they began to search without rest, they wanted, _needed_ , to see him. 

    
 

The first place they went to was at his home in Varadero, and they had no problem finding the family home: the Mcclains were known since the disappearance of Lance for the Garrison 6 years ago. 

And when Mrs. Mcclain opened the door she was expecting everything but not seeing Hunk and Pidge, 6 years later, smiling kindly. She took them in her arms, squeezing them tightly, speaking incalculable number of Spanish words in a second as she began to cry. Hunk returned her embrace and dried her tears, smiling softly. She invited them to enter when she finally noticed the other five surprise guests. 

    
 

And her expression _broke_. 

    
 

 _She_ _looked_ _horrified_. 

    
 

They all believed that it came from the fact that Cain didn't really have a human appearance with his bluish skin, iridescent in places, his big black eyes and a second pair of arms. Yet this wasn't the case. 

She approached him and, without warning, began to examine him from head to foot, looking more and more horrified. She drew back, livid, before rushing inside the house, palsmodizing in Spanish. 

    
The paladins followed her closely and Hunk and Shiro tried to calm her down, not knowing why her condition had made such a turnaround. 

    
Yet despite their attempts they had no coherent answer. 

    
 

But they heard words that horrified them: _Lance,_ _asylum_ _, not_ _mad_ _,_ _what_ _have I_ _done_ _._  

 

An icy feeling crossed them all as they heard these words, and only one thought came to them: please god, make it not what I believe. 

They asked all they could from Lance's mother, gathering all the informations before deciding what to do. 

 

 

 _If_ _what_ _she_ _had_ _said_ _was_ _true_ _then_ _only_ _Hunk_ _and_ _Pidge_ _could_ _go and_ _see_ _him_ _._  

   
 

 

 ** _1_** ** _0min_** ** _e_** ** _arlier_**  

   
A red-haired young woman, Lily as her badge pointed out, greeted them with a smile. She presented herself to them as the nurse taking care of their friend since his arriving here and she led through the corridors. "If you're there, I guess you know about his condition, that's why I'll ask you not to push him, it would be terrible ... He just got out of it, please don"t hurt him any more than he already is..." She stopped, entered the large garden and turned to them. "He must be here as usual, I will go and warn him, do not move from here." 

   
The two Paladins nodded. Pidge waited until Lily got away enough to speak "........ Hunk ..." Her voice shook "... What did we do ...?" The larger one put a hand on her shoulder and felt it tremble. He squeezed her gently as a sign of comfort, holding back his tears,swallowing the lup in this throat. "We're going to help him Pidge, we're going to help him .... We're gonna put all the broken pieces back together, even if he's going to hate us after." 

   
She just nodded. 

 

 

 ** _Back to_** ** _present_**  

 

Lance smiled at the young woman "I missed you too ... terribly missed. 6 years without you was really long... even if I only remember 4 years." He nervously chuckled as he gently massaged his neck. 

   
Hunk smiled at him gently, clenching his fists on the bench without his friend seeing him, containing his feelings. 

   
_At_ _what_ _point_ _had_ _he_ _been_ _broken_ _in_ _their_ _absence?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the sad truth about where Lance is .... DON'T HATE ME PLEASE!!! ;w;
> 
> But more I red it more I hate this chapters.... *not satisfided at all*
> 
> Please tell me your thoughts ;w;


	3. Mind-break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So..... here we are...... Chapter 3 is here....
> 
> I'm sorry it took me so so long >< I had so much trouble (again :'3) to write it and my life is still such a mess right now...
> 
> But I'm reading each comment and I can't express how happy they make me! So thank you very very very much!!! I promise that I will answer as soon as I can (and especially as soon as the Internet will have returned in my home... yes... I post this chapter from my work..... Yes, I know it's bad.... 8'D)
> 
> Also, I've correct some mistakes in the chapter 2, so normally now there's no mistakes.. I hope :'3
> 
> NOTE: I don't speak a word of Spanish so if there's a mistake please tell me! I used Google Translator and I know it's not the best ...
> 
> IMPORTANTE NOTE: There will be a mention of a suicide attempt in this chapter. So I'm really sorry if this makes you inconfortable. I know it's a really sensitive subject and I don't want someone feeling offended or uncomfortable.

 

Lance was happy. 

 

 _Truly_  happy.  

 

It has been so many years since the last time he felt this good. His heart was so light and his mind dizzy, but not because of the drugs they're giving him everydays. It has been so many years since he saw his friends and he missed them so much. 

 

So right now he was happy. 

 

They changed so much, but they became good persons, and so talented, probably the bests in their field. 

 

He closed his eyes, bathing in the last ray of sun. 

 

And he smiled.

 

He was in peace now and maybe beeing here wasn't so bad. After all he was persuaded to have flown aboard a giant mechanical Blue Lion in space for two years. How could anyone sane think that ? He knew that his memories were falsified, that nothing could be true.

 

But it was so real for him. 

 

 

 

 **~4 years earlier~**  

 

He was home,  _finally_. 

 

The feeling of earth, the smell of the air, the sensation of wind on his skin... He missed them so much. 

His grip on his bag thightened, the Garrison will be here soon so he must prepared himself.

 

He knew this was going to be hard. 

 

And for the first time he wished to be wrong.

 

Barely five minutes later the Garrison was there, encircling him. He raised his hands in the air, totally imperturbable while he was held in check. And despite his disappearance two years ago with two other students, he had been treated like a criminal, an intruder: he was handcuffed and taken in an armored van to finish in one of the interrogation rooms.

 

Then he told _everything_ , without forgetting any details. How Pidge had found the signal, Shiro's rescue, the discovery of the Blue Lion and how she had responded to him, how they had pulled Galra's ships away from Earth, where the Lion had led them, the encounter of Allura and Coran, their new responsibilities, their battles and the war taking place without anyone knowing.

 

He told everything, absolutely everything.

 

Even his abandonment and... his run away. 

 

They all looked at him as a madman, except  Iverson. Because he knew that this Blue Lion existed. He had seen it after all.

However, he was taken to a cell and locked up.

 

But a doubt subsisted. After all, even without taking into account Iverson's declaration, they still had the remains of ships with which Shiro had returned, the images of his condition and the preliminary analyzes of his arm.

 

The deliberation lasted for days, leaving the old Paladin shut up in his cell. 

 

And the withdrawals succeeded one another: skin, nails, hair, saliva, blood... everything passed, nothing was forgotten. Then he was left alone again, without explanation.

 

 

 

He stopped counting the days, it was no longer important after all, he just wanted to get out of here, go home. He wanted to live again.

 

But many days passed again, leaving him between his four walls.

 

They came back, however, looking at him in a different way. There was no pity or resentment. Maybe just discomfort. But because of what? His suposed madness? Their mistake?

He was again dragged into the interrogation room, this time without handcuff. It was Iverson who sat in front of him this time. And it was very strange. He looked at him almost.... _warmly_. It wasn't a word Lance associated with his former instructor.

 

"We found traces of harmless unknown substances on Earth in your body." 

 

And Lance couldn't help laughing. "Obviously." 

 

Sarcasm wasn't something he was used. It didn't fit him. Yet, at the moment he was just bitter, so it went out without his being able to hold him back.

He sighed heavily. He could finally go home.

_But he was far from reality_. 

 

He had to tell his story once again, without omitting anything and under lie detector. Without any surprise there was no peak of stress.

 

_Not a single lie._

 

But it wasn't enough... again.

Then he passed the physical tests the best he could after he was locked up so many days. And once again, without any surprise, everything was simple for him.

 

 _Too simple_.

 

He, who had only been a Cargo Pilot then a Fighter Pilot more than average, had just entered without any worries in the top 5 of the best pilots. He easily surpassed Keith's former results and even took first place in shooting. 

 

" _Sharpshooter_." 

It wasn't just a stupid nickname in the end. 

 

The decision was unanimous: they believed him.

 

Then they rehabilitated him. He didn't even have to go back to classes or pass the exams, he had proved his worth. He was even integrated as the youngest instructor: _he was only 19 years old._

Yet he didn't take his post immediately. He wanted to go home, to see his family, to hug them, to tell them all about his story, to be forgiven for having disappeared, to rest. 

 

He was exhausted. 

  

So he went home. 

  

 _But he never came back._  

 

 

 

 **~ _Present day - Lance~_**  

 

Yes, everything was so real to him.

But he knew everything was only the product of his imagination. They told him that nothing could be real.

He sighed softly, opening his eyes before getting up. The night was beginning to fall, he had to go back inside.

 

 

 

 ** _~Present day - Hunk and Pidge~_**  

 

They had just left Lance, they stayed with him for as long as they could, but Lily had come to escort them to the entrance: visits' hours were over.

They didn't want to leave.

 

_They didn't want to leave Lance again._

 

Yet they had no choice.

 

Their return was heavy, silent, each one lost in their own thought and holding back their tears. They didn't have the heart to speak, and what could they have said, except insulting themselves. Because they knew it.

They knew that Lance had been locked up for four years because of them.

 

_They led him here._

 

Hunk parked in front of the hotel where they were renting rooms with a heavy heart. He absolutely didn't want to talk to others. But he needed to tell them everything.

They rejoined the rest of the paladins in one of the chambers, and barely had the key been in the lock, and the door open, that all eyes were on them, filled with questions.

 

The Green and Yellow Paladins took the time to sit down, leaving a heavy and uncomfortable silence that no one dared to break for long minutes.

 

Then Keith lost patience "So?"

 

All eyes turned to him and he roll his eyes "Oh please, don't look at me like that, you also want to know, you just don't have the courage to ask and even less to listen."

 

They all looked guilty and turned to Hunk and Pidge. The young woman bit her lip and looked away: she had neither the strength nor the desire to speak.

 

Then the Samoan spoke, discharging his own guilt over the others "It's even worse than we thought." 

 

 

  

 ** _~Days ago – Lance's house~_**  

  

She was trembling, trembling with all her body, her fingers compressing compulsively on the phone on which she was trying to dial a number. But it was vain. She trembled so hard that it escaped her, crashing into the ground with a loud noise before she began to cry, falling on her knees with her face hidden in her hands. Her sobs filled the room as well as the excuses she chanted in a mixture of Spanish and English. She was lost, confused... guilty.

 

Hunk joined her and gently led her up to the couch where they sat, passing a comforting hand on her back while the others looked at them, horrified, unable to do anything.

She cried for long minutes, unable to stop. She knew she had a mistake, and this error had cost her son, her baby boy.

 

The engineer gently squeezed her hand, offering her a comforting presence as Pidge sat next to her. She put her hand on her shoulder and gently pressed it.

Maria finally looked up at them and smiled at them, grateful. She had just evacuated months, years, of sadness and guilt. Shiro handed her a glass of water and a handkerchief with a reassuring smile that she immediately accepted.

It took her a few more minutes to regain her spirits, and still others to finally speak.

 

 

"I know you're looking for Lance ... But he's not here ..." 

 She swallowed hard.  

"He is... in a recovery center... for people with mental problems..." 

 

The air was immediatly oppressive but nobody dared to move or talk. They must not interrupt her, they knew it.

 

A lump formed in her throat, her eyes moistened once more, but she repressed the tears. 

"When Lance came back, I thought I was hallucinating. I yelled, I yelled at him to leave and finally leave me in peace, until he took me in his arms and hugged me.

 

"I'm here Mamá." he said me.

 

I couldn't believe he was there and yet.... He held me so tight against him, I felt his tremors and tears in my neck. It took me so long to react.

 

But I finally took him in my arms, and I cried with him.

 

He had reappeared after two years without news, without anything... So thin, _so fragile_ , always with the same clothes... But his look.... It looked like he had seen and lived _nameless horrors_. So I... no... the whole family, just took care of him for days, without asking him anything. He ate little, always with his head raised to the sky, his eyes searching for something. He wasn't able to sleep, as soon as he closed his eyes he was shaken by nightmares. He howled, cried, asked us to forgive him for being so useless, to be unable to help, to be a burden and a dead weight.

 

We didn't know what to do. He had come back but it was as if he was a constant nightmare.

I forced him to go and see someone... He needed help, talk, and we couldn't provide him what he needed.

But it didn't help. He talked about alien races, fighting, intergalactic war.... We thought... We thought that he was taking drugs....

 

So one day I ended up asking him... and he seemed so helpless... so...destroyed...

 

I will never forget his look and his words... " _Cómo puedes pensar eso Mamá? ¿Ahora tú tampoco crees en mí?_ " He got up and left the table. We didn't see him again that day, he didn't get out of his room. Except once. I waited a bit, then I called him for dinner but he didn't come. So I went up, I knew something was wrong, he would never have missed a meal, even if he ate little.

 

His door was closed... I knocked once, twice... Then I started to panic because he had never ignored me before.

I would rather like if  he screamed at me...

I asked my eldest son to break the door....."

 

She closed her eyes, tears flowing again. "He was.... He was lying on the bed... He seemed to be asleep.... But I knew right away that he wasn't... "

 

She curled up on herself and sobbed, stifling the noise as she could.

 

"The box of sleeping pills on his table was _completely empty_... He was barely breathing... Just a little more longer and...." A broken moan escaped her. She could have lost her son. 

"My husband called the rescue while I was trying to wake him up... I was afraid it was too late so I took things in hand and made him regurgitate everything he had taken.... Then the helpers arrived and they took him...... He remained unconscious for two days... Then they took him to the psychiatric service.... There were analyzes to detect the presence of drugs but there was nothing, not a single trace....." She hid her face in her hands.

 

"I didn't trust him and it destroyed him....." Her shoulders trembled under the new cry, Hunk caressing her back to bring her some comfort.

 

"After... After several interviews they decreed that it was a Syndrome of False Memories... They said he had created all these memories to protect himself from something, to forget what had really happened... And when he was strong enough to bear a transfer he was transfered where he is now.... He hasn't come out for 4 years... _not once_... " 

 

 

 

 **~Present day - Paladins~**  

 

Hunk swallowed hard "He had totally forgotten about the past two years we had together.... He thinks he run away alone six years ago after a failure as a Fighter Pilot while Pigde and I stayed and got our degree. For him we were gone on a mission for 4 years and we have only come home now. But the worst thing is that he is convinced that all he remembers today is true, and that the Lions, the Galras, our fights and everything else are just _false memories_... He confuses reality with everything people haven't stopped telling him: that it _wasn't_ possible."

 

He clenched his fists "He was treated like a madman when he was telling the truth. They treated his memories as fakes, persuading him that he had a problem, that he needed to be treated when there was no problem. In your opinion, what happens when someone with a sane mind is put on treatment?"

 A tear rolled down his cheek.

 

" _His mind breaking_." 

  

Nobody dared to speak. What could they say after that? What could they do? 

 

Nothing. 

They knew they couldn't do anything. 

 

Because if they revealed everything to Lance, who knows what might happen. They could finish ripping apart the few things he had.

 

_They could destroy his reality_. 

 

 

And they knew where that would lead him. 

 

_A direct fall into madness._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lance's return was revealed and we can say that he saw Hell.... And it's not the end...
> 
> But I promise, he will be fine. He will have hapiness!
> 
> Once again, I love you all! Your comments make me happy and I love reading them! <3
> 
>  
> 
> Translation: Cómo puedes pensar que mamá... también terminaste ya no creyendo en mí? = How can you think that Mom... You also ended up no longer believing in me?


	4. His hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time since I've update.... again....
> 
> When I wrote the 3rd chapter I thought that everything will be fine : obtained my degrees, find a job, save money, go back to school 1 year later and fly away from my parent's flat... But I was so so wrong. My familly forced me to go to a school I didn't wanted.... And my mental heath gotten worst and worst.
> 
> I'm still not fine but I somehow manage to not break even more. I know I'll be fine one day, maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon.
> 
> And all your comments help me so much! Writting helps me to get better, and knowing that you're loving this story too!
> 
> I love you all, thanks again for all your support! <3 <3 
> 
> And so sorry so take so long between each chapter....
> 
> Special thanks to "Hera" and "Lalalalalalaaaaa" who helped me with Spanish in the last chapter!! <3

 

**~ 4 years ago : Lance’s departure day ~**

 

Allura trembled. Her whole body trembled. She had used so much power in such a short time that she had exhausted all her energy and  yet, she didn't care. She trembled with all her body because she held her tears as best as she could. But her heart was in pieces. How can it not be after seeing Lance in such a state?

Coran joined her and came to take her in her arms as she collapsed, hiding her face in her hands, holding her tears as best as she could. Yet a heartbrealing sob escaped her as the Paladins arrived, awakened by the second travel  which was much more brutal than the first.

 

   
All of them panicked instantly when they saw their Princess, usually so strong, so weak and sobbing like a child. Shiro immediately rushed to her and tried to find out what was going on.

 But she was inconsolable. _Lance's gaze haunted her_.

 Coran squeezed her gently against him, like the uncle he was for her, and whispered comforting words into her ear as he held back his own tears.

 

They were all lost, not understanding the situation and what had put Allura in this state. 

   
So they waited.

 

They waited for minutes which seemed hours to them.

Until Hunk noticed that one of them was missing.

 Then, suddenly, he was scared.

 

"Where is Lance ....?" Were the only words which covered the sobbing of the Altean Princess.

"….Go....ne...He's....gone" managed to articulate Allura between two sobs "I... I brought him back to Earth .... I had no....no choice... He was....was so so sad... He wasn’t smiling anymore ... His eyes were empty, so empty ..... He was totally broken…. It… It wasn’t Lance anymore…."

 

She began to cry again, and with a wave of hand she showed them the last images of Lance just before he left. So thin, so fragil ... so dull.

 

_His smile was gone._

 

His usual proud posture was so bent, as if he wanted to hide. No. As if he wanted to _disappear_.

 

Hunk gasped in surprise and stretched his fingers toward the hologram, as if he could touch him, looking horrified, his lips trembling as his eyes moistened. "What....? No...."

 

A heavy silence took place, Allura’s cry echoing in the room.

 

They couldn't believe it. Yet the image before them showed them Lance and the sad truth : they had been blind. Blind and deaf. And they had destroyed Lance in so much pieces.

And it was too late to catch up with what they had caused.

 

_Lance was gone._

 

 Nobody could utter a word, the guilt invading their veins, their soul.

 

_How could they claim to save the galaxy when they had broken their friend with their own hands?_

 

The silence becomes complete when Allura finally sank into a restful sleep, exausted.

But nobody dared to move until Coran took her to her room.

Nobody dared look at each other.

They contented themselves with moving one after the other, crushed by guilt.

 

**~ Back to present day ~**

 

« Hi Lance ! »

 

The young man looked up from his book, recognizing his voice and smiled, "Hunk! He put his book on the stone bench and stood up, picking him up in his arms. « How are you Big Guy? »

 

The Samoan returned his embrace, squeezing the fragile body against his « I'm fine and you? »

 

A chuckle escaped Lance « Good now that you're here. » He finally noticed the person posted behind his friend: tall, broad shoulders and a face he recognized within miles. He moved away so quickly from the Yellow Paladin that he nearly fell to the ground, narrowly catching himself by leaning on him as a stifling fish expression out of water took place on his face « Ta ... Shi ... .. TAKASHI SHIROGANE???!!! »

He grabbed Hunk by the shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. « Tell me right away if I'm still hallucinating or if Takashi Shirogane is behind you. Because if it is not the case I will directly ask for stronger doses, and if it is there, you can explain why ???!!!! »

The cook laughed softly and stroked affectionately the chestnut hair of his friend « No you don’t hallucinate Lance. And I brought him with me because I thought it would please you. »

 

The Cuban stared at him for a long time before finally returning his gaze to the newcomer who was smiling softly, amused « Hello. »

Lance gasped, emitting a small excited squeak and pushed Hunk to the side as hard as he could, but considering his build it was quite complicated, and planted himself in front of the Black Paladin, an expression of pure admiration spread on his face, eyes brighter than never before and a smug smile stretching his lips  « Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t belive it !! » He bit his lip, hopping, unable to contain his joy « Can I… can I shake your hand please ??!!! »

The Japanese couldn’t help laughing at seeing Lance so excited just by seeing him and held out his hand, causing a second happy squeak from the Cuban who grabbed it without thinking twice. He shook it a little too quickly, pulling a laugh again of the leader « I'm a super super fan! I wanted to become a pilot after seeing you !! You’re my hero! I never thought I could meet you one day! »

 

The handshake slowled down as he spoke to the point where he just held Shiro’s hand between his, squeezing it gently as his expression became more serious. He stared at him, his blue orbs suddenly filled with sadness, but mostly with understanding.

 

« I knew it wasn’t a pilot error 6 years ago .... » Shiro twitched slightly as Lance squeezed his hand a little more comfortingly. « I’ve seen enough soldiers in this establishment to recognize this look ... You have seen things that we can never imagine and you have trouble getting out of it. But you are on the right track. The wounds heal and the scars will disappear. »

He put his hand on the leader's cheek and gently stroked with his thumb the end of the one crossing his face, a slight smile floating on his lips « But this one suits you well. She adds a little sexy and mysterious side. »

 

Lance chuckled as Shiro's cheeks grew redder and pulled his hand away as he smiled softly at him. « Thank you for everything you did for us. I'm glad you're back. »

Shiro stared at him without being able to say anything, a vise squeezing his throat. How could he thank him after all he had done?

 

_No more memories._

 

He felt his eyes watered under the emotions and suddenly took Lance in his arms, hugging him. He buried his nose in the brown curls and breathed gently.

 

_A reconforting smell of sun, ocean and flowers._

 

The Cuban doesn’t say anything, contenting to give him back his embrace. He knew. He knew that often the former military, those who had experienced the unimaginable, needed comfort, physical contact to prove that they were alive and well.

 

He thought he knew, but he was _far_ , so far, from the truth for this time.

He didn’t know everything that was going on, all the feelings that crossed his eldest.

_Guilt, pain, remorse._

But the worst of all was this feeling of _uselessness_.

 

Shiro thought he _had_ to be there for Lance, _help him_ , _make him smile_ , make him _happy_.

It wasn’t his role to be comforted.

 

Yet that's what was happening. Lance was hugging him with such force despite his now so oh so fragile form.

His whole being shouted benevolence and kindness.

 

_It wasn’t Lance’s place to comfort._

 

And yet Shiro couldn’t help but be relieved to see him strong again.

Lance had _always_ been the one who kept their group together.

_And they only realized it when they lost it._

 

  

**~ 4 years ago : months after Lance’s departure ~**

 

«For God’s sake Keith ! Stop training ! »

« Pidge, Hunk, please, go to sleep… »

« Princess…. Please, don’t force yourself so hard. »

« Coran, the pods are already perfectly clean, no need to do it again. »

 

Shiro slumped on the sofa in the common room and ran a hand over his face, sighing, exhausted. He dropped his head on the back and stared absently at the ceiling until a steaming cup entered his field of vision. He took it with a sigh of relief and a small smile « Thank you Lan .... »

His smile faded as quickly as it appeared. « Sorry Cain ... »

The alien answered him with a small understanding smile and came to sit next to him with his own cup. « You miss him. »

The Black Paladin looked down, staring at the drink in his hands. « ...... Since he's no longer here no one is taking care of himself ... He was the one who cared for us all ... He was more concerned with our well-being than we were or we sere of his... »

 

_Guilt invaded him._

 

Lance had always taken care of them, of all of them. For Shiro, he made sure that he took time for him, that he didn’t have to watch everyone so that they wouldn’t forget to take care of them. That was the mission Lance had set for himself. He knew that their leader had a lot of thingsto do, so if he could help to remove the worry of knowing if the team was paying attention to their health or not, he was willing to help. And he was even zealous with small attentions for the Black Paladin: a steaming cup appearing into his vision’s field, a snack posed at the corner of the table when he was absorbed by his work, a blanket placed on him when he was asleep elsewhere than in his room ...

 

The Cuban was their guardian angel, the _only one_ really paying attention to each one of them.

 

Shiro bit his lip « I'm sorry, I don’t mean that all this is your fault. Obviously, you're also an important member of our group, and a friend ... »

« But he’s irreplaceable. »

 

Shiro nodded.

 

The "new" Blue Paladin put a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed it as a sign of comfort. « I know that I am welcomed, but I also know that I will never replace him. When I arrived, you lost someone dear because of your mistakes. Oh don’t look at me like that, you know very well that you all acted exactly the way you should not. I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t my place, but it's been several months since he left, and your condition deteriorates a little more each day. And yes Shiro, yours too. And you need to move forward. If you are ragged how do you hope to save the universe ? I know you're missing him and you all feel guilty, but you need to go above and beyond all that, for your and everyone's good. »

He got up and smiled at him « I know that I will never be able to be him and take care of you as well as he did, but it’s also my role now to make sure that you are fine. That's why I’m telling you that Shiro : it's time to change, to become stronger. Then you can find him and ask him for forgiveness on your knees. But for that you need to be in shape. I don’t think he would be happy to find you in such a sorry state on your return. On the contrary, it will make him even more guilty. »

 

The leader growled slightly, scowling at the moral lesson he had just received. « I'm not sure that looking good is better. That would just confirm that we didn’t need him when it's wrong. »

Cain rolled his eyes « Maybe, but at least he will tell himself that he has made the right decision for your and everyone good. » He sighed, « I know it's easier to say it than to do it, but you need to get up, or you'll all be killed. And then, Lance will never recover. »

 

Shiro sighed heavily and drank a bit before looking up at his friend, « Thank you. »

 

The Blue Paladin smiles at him « Anytime. Now you need to rest before pulling up the suspenders of the whole team. Take time for yourself. »

The Japanese nodded and watched him leave before taking his advice and letting himself go on the couch, letting himself go to sleep. After all, a little rest wouldn’t hurt him.

 

_When he woke up a blanket was placed on him._

 

  

**~ Back to present day ~**

Shiro stayed like that for long minutes, keeping Lance against him as if he was afraid he would disappear once again.

 

Hunk slowly came closer and put a hand on the leader's shoulder, squeezing it gently and drawing the elder's gaze to him « What if we go back inside? »

 

The Black Paladin nodded slightly and finally let go of Lance, who smiled sweetly at him. The Cuban squeezed his hand one last time as a sign of comfort before leading them into his room.

 

Against all expectations it didn’t look like a sterile hospital room. It was even warm and welcoming.

Lance laughed softly when he saw their astonished airs and brought them in before closing the door behind him. « I've been here since a long time and we don’t know when of if I'll go out one day so I end up having the right to redecorate it as I wished. »

 

The Samoan and the Japanese exchanged a sad look but didn’t say a word.

 

_What could they say after all?_

They just sitted down on the couch and watched as Lance worked a few feet away. He returns a few minutes later, a tray in the hands that he put on the coffee table. He placed some biscuits in front of his visitors and handed them each a cup of steaming tea.

 

And when Shiro took his, he couldn’t help but look up and look at the ex-Paladin in the eye.

_So blue. And filled with kindness._

Lance smiled at him.

 

That sweet smile he gave him every time he came to see if he was fine.

 

_As if these 4 years had never arrived._

_As if he had never been abandoned by his friends._

 

_So Shiro promised himself that that smile would never again leave the young man's face._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooo, we are entering a new side of the story : the Paladin, Allura and Coran's feeling!
> 
> But for the moment I don't have a particular order for the chapters. SO, this is the moment YOU enter the game !!
> 
> I would like to know who is the next character you would like to know the feelings !!! The only condition is that it's not Keith, because his chapter will come last for special reasons 8D
> 
> VOTE FOR THE CHARACTER YOU WANT TO READ THE CHAPTER !!! >w<
> 
> I take the votes until December 22! (I have a lot of work until the 21st so I don't know if I can write before; w;)
> 
> Love you all!!! <3 <3 
> 
> And don't forget, comments are the most welcomed!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hate me for doing this to Lance, I swear I love him ;w;
> 
> Comments are welcome, it's what makes me to improve my work and live!! <3
> 
> (I don't have a beta for this fic so if you see mistakes please tell me :3)


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